Blog by VONNIE DAVIS -- International, Award-Winning Romance Author: Adventurous...Humorous...Amorous.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

PEDICURE MOST FOUL

I blame the following incident on Jill James. Truly, I do. In one of her comments after her lovely blogpost on Tuesday, she mentioned getting a pedicure. "Hot pink with flowers," she said.

I glanced at my colorless toenails and thought, gee, I could probably use a pedicure, too. You know, just a dab of color to brighten them up.

So, today I went to a local nail salon.  Just to show you how out of style I am, I will share that this was my first pedicure. Now had I known the male nail technician would push my capris up to my knees to rub lotion into my legs, I'd have shaved the "forest" before I left the house. But, WHO knew?


I grimaced as he ran both palms up and down my hairy legs, fearing that he'd pull back bleeding, skinless hands. Then he started chatting to the nail technician working next to him. And while I don't profess to speak Vietnamese, I could tell what he was saying. "Awwwl, this woman's legs are like sandpaper!" Both guys (early twenties, I'd say) laughed until their faces turned red.


When the kid lifted my feet to examine the many calluses on my soles, he sucked air. His gaze slid to mine and he slowly shook his head as if he'd never seen such a mess. So he started. First he used a block-hone-thingy, rubbing it across those calluses, reminding me of "wax on, wax off" from the old movie, The Karate Kid.

When that didn't faze years and years of neglected calluses, he soaked my feet some more. Then he lifted them out of the whirlpool foot bath and took a brush to them.

Realizing he was getting nowhere, he turned around for a canvas bag with a horse's head painted on it. He pulled out a thick curry brush he'd no doubt used on old Paint the night before and, with his tongue tucked between his teeth, set out to obliterate those calluses. Folks, sweat ran down the sides of his face as he scrubbed the soles of my feet with that brush. It reminded me of the time we had our hardwood floors sanded.
Once more he rattled off a string of Vietnamese--cursing my feet, no doubt. Next he went for his tool box and, after digging through his hand tools, he pulled out an assortment of twelve inch files.

Like a man possessed, he ran those files over the soles of my feet--and I was sure I saw sparks fly. Still, my pesky calluses persisted. Lastly, he pulled a hand planer from the tool box and, with a fiendish gleam in his eye, began shaving off my calluses. Before long a pile of skin shavings grew on the floor.



I tried making myself invisible, really I did, but since my feet were held captive by a kid determined to reign victorious over those blasted calluses, I was there for the duration. I'm not exactly sure at what point I began to feel like a medical experiment, but I did.


Still, for all the pain and humiliation, my toenails turned out quite nice, don't you think? Thanks, Jill.

16 comments:

Calisa Rhose said...

I've had exactly one pedi in my life...well, one that I paid cash for, in preps for the middle daughter's wedding six years ago. My darling daughters were good to their momma. Plus, with three growing preteens I had to at least put forth an effort to keep up with their awesome beauty. No. That is not motherly pride speaking, it's pure jealousy. My hubs makes beautiful children. These days I don't try to compete with them. But I would love to be pampered again. I love the Hawaiian themed flowers you got! I won't ask about those pictures... ;)

LaVerne Clark said...

OMG Vonnie! That was so funny! Tell me - do you have a romantic comedy penned? If not, please do! I alternated between cringing and grinning with you, hehehe - can't get the thought of the 'boy' working on your poor feet, and the sweat dripping down his face. Great imagery! : )

Joanne Stewart said...

I did the same thing, alternated between cringing at those pictures and laughing at your descriptions. Very funny! And your toes are lovely! Never had a pedicure. I'm weird though. I don't like other people touching my feet. lol

Diana Layne said...

I gave up on pedicures, they hurt too much! I'll just keep my calluses, thanks, lol. Yours looks awesome, btw.

Jennifer Jakes said...

OMG! I laughed until I cried.
Your toenails look beautiful. Well worth the pain;)

Maeve said...

Hilarious!! You're a brave woman, Vonnie. I love the paint job but NOBODY touches MY feet! Absolutely NOBODY! ;-)

Jill James said...

Vonnie, you had me laughing and crying. I was like that when I got my first pedi. Plus, the bottom of my feet are so ticklish that I giggle all the way through. The girls at the salon laugh at me too. And sigh when they see my toes and calluses. I love listening to them chat in Vietnamese, it is like wind chimes in the place.

Vonnie, the toes look gorgeous. Go show them off.

Karen Cote said...

VONNIE!! You're a mess...love the end result but goodness sakes...those pictures were so sad! Thanks for sharing? Hugs.

Joya said...

Gross and cute at the same time! LOL. Fun post, Vonnie! :)

Lynne Roberts said...

LOL! I feel your pain. Last time I treated myself to a pedicure, the nail technician reprimanded me because I really needed to go in more, like once a month. I asked her if she'd do it for free. She wasn't amused. Your toenails are gorgeous!

morgan wyatt said...

You may have stretched the truth a bit, but very funny photos. Great blog.

Lilly Gayle said...

OMG! I laughed so hard I spewed the precious wine I was sipping after a monstrous day at work. The pictures made me laugh and cringe. Seriously, I think I've seen that second set of toenails!No, I'm not a nail technician. I'm a mammographer/radiologic technologist, and I once x-rayed a homeless man's foot. He had gangreen from an untreated open fracture and his toenails were so long, some sort of mossy fungus grew beneath them. I gag just thinking about it.
Your toes, on the other hand, look quite lovely Vonnie.

Vonnie Davis said...

Thanks all of you for joining me in the fun. As you can see I love stretching the truth a tad. It's something we do as writers. To everyone who took the time to read and leave a comment, have a fabulous weekend.

AJ Nuest said...

Oh my gosh, Vonnie, you are HILARIOUS! I'm so glad I read this AFTER I ate dinner. OY! and then EW! and then *chuckle, chuckle* and then EW! some more. You crack me up. I agree with the ladies above. You absolutely MUST take a stab at some comedy. It would sell like hotcakes.

Misty Dietz said...

Dude! Wow. Gross. Hilarious. :)

Leah St. James said...

You are too funny! The end result is lovely, but I'm not sure I'll EVER attempt a pedicure after reading this! (And I agree, you should try some comedy, maybe geared toward women "of a certain age." The "Old Paint" reference killed me!)